We know you've missed us over the last week, readers! Don't fret. We've missed you, too. That's why the Faylunchin trio have been hard at work, trying to win back your readership while adding more variety to our arsenal. We realize another lunch blog wouldn't suffice, not this time. Therefore, an Englishman, a Chinese Man, and an Indian have elected something grittier for our fans, something earlier, something with the potential for immediate diabetic shock.
Wilford Brimley and his walrus mustache would be so proud!
And so, we were thinking of all of you when we arose at 5:30am, zombie-esque, and leapfrogged across Martin Luther King Boulevard, ordering breakfast at five different fast-food restaurants. You heard correctly! We said FIVE different restaurants, all in the hope of providing you with an accurate and entertaining rating on who provides the best early-bird specials. Interested to hear how much detriment was done to our bowels? Of course you are!
We visited the following restaurants:Yes, in that order! Just as many of you might, we restricted ourselves to a budget (approximately $7 per restaurant). And we rated each restaurant on the following: DRIVE-THRU TIMING, SERVICE, TRANSPORTABILITY (as in how convenient it is to eat on the go), and FOOD QUALITY.
But what breakfast would be complete without a coffee? Not one we'd enjoy, that's for sure! For that reason, we've rated the coffee, too. And since no morning can properly start without a steaming cup o' Joe, let's start there!
Wilford Brimley and his walrus mustache would be so proud!
And so, we were thinking of all of you when we arose at 5:30am, zombie-esque, and leapfrogged across Martin Luther King Boulevard, ordering breakfast at five different fast-food restaurants. You heard correctly! We said FIVE different restaurants, all in the hope of providing you with an accurate and entertaining rating on who provides the best early-bird specials. Interested to hear how much detriment was done to our bowels? Of course you are!
We visited the following restaurants:Yes, in that order! Just as many of you might, we restricted ourselves to a budget (approximately $7 per restaurant). And we rated each restaurant on the following: DRIVE-THRU TIMING, SERVICE, TRANSPORTABILITY (as in how convenient it is to eat on the go), and FOOD QUALITY.
But what breakfast would be complete without a coffee? Not one we'd enjoy, that's for sure! For that reason, we've rated the coffee, too. And since no morning can properly start without a steaming cup o' Joe, let's start there!
COFFEE **SIDENOTE** Coffee was only ordered as part of a meal, fitting within the $7 price range. So if any meal came with a drink, rest assure, it was coffee. 5th. Whataburger: This was the largest cup of coffee by far, and we know why. As Qi quantified, "It's like a 25 cent coffee." Except it's not that affordable. Essentially, it's hot brown water, made in bulk, and figuratively thrown at customers in an attempt to be rid of it. 4th. Hardees: The biggest selling point was the "Colombia Coffee Blend" printed on the side of the cup. Otherwise, it was pretty bland. Not bad, but bland. |
3rd. Taco Bell: One of two iced coffees of the morning, Taco Bell's was surprisingly bold without being bitter. While being iced gave this coffee a leg-up, it wasn't as good as the following two...
2nd. McDonald's: This sweet, hot coffee came in an easy-to-carry cup, with foldable lip to prevent spilling. Thank you, Stella Lieback! We know how some of you might feel about McD's coffee, but we were impressed by it's taste. Gentle on the palate and well-blended!
1st. CHIK-FIL-A: Vanilla iced coffee. That's right, Taco Bell, they just one-upped you with vanilla. Chik-fil-A's iced coffee was surprisingly tasty, without being too sweet, almost worth skipping your daily Starbuck's run.
Yes, yes, it's fast-food coffee. We didn't expect much, really. But if you are desperate for a cup of coffee, Faylunchin recommends McDonald's and Chik-fil-A. It's honestly worth the dough!
On to the food!
2nd. McDonald's: This sweet, hot coffee came in an easy-to-carry cup, with foldable lip to prevent spilling. Thank you, Stella Lieback! We know how some of you might feel about McD's coffee, but we were impressed by it's taste. Gentle on the palate and well-blended!
1st. CHIK-FIL-A: Vanilla iced coffee. That's right, Taco Bell, they just one-upped you with vanilla. Chik-fil-A's iced coffee was surprisingly tasty, without being too sweet, almost worth skipping your daily Starbuck's run.
Yes, yes, it's fast-food coffee. We didn't expect much, really. But if you are desperate for a cup of coffee, Faylunchin recommends McDonald's and Chik-fil-A. It's honestly worth the dough!
On to the food!
DRIVE-THRU TIMING
In terms of speed, we've got to give credit where credit is due. Fast food is fast food, and we've learned that this trope holds true even in the wee hours of the morning. Four out of five restaurants took no longer than 5 minutes, and only one restaurant took 10 minutes or more. Can you guess which? Hint: it's had a mile-long drive-thru. line for weeks now...
In terms of speed, we've got to give credit where credit is due. Fast food is fast food, and we've learned that this trope holds true even in the wee hours of the morning. Four out of five restaurants took no longer than 5 minutes, and only one restaurant took 10 minutes or more. Can you guess which? Hint: it's had a mile-long drive-thru. line for weeks now...
5th. Whataburger. You guessed it, Whataburger took roughly 10 minutes. In its defense, it was the busiest of all the restaurants, with one particular customer hampering the line. You know who you are, truck!!
4th, Hardees. Took about 5 minutes, though this was primarily due to making the food to order.
3rd. Chik-fil-A. A little less than 5 minutes, no complaining from us!
2nd. Taco Bell. No, T.B. didn't take that long at all, in contrast to those drunken Fourth Meal exchanges that seem to never end. But due to an uncomfortable issue, which you will shortly read about, we were very surprised to see our order completed so quickly. Now whether it was completed correctly is another story, indeed.
1st. MCDONALD'S. Can you really be that surprised? By the time we ordered our food. Nay, before we'd even completed our order, an employee was already waving our food at us through the window. That's fast! Made to order, hell no, but fast!
4th, Hardees. Took about 5 minutes, though this was primarily due to making the food to order.
3rd. Chik-fil-A. A little less than 5 minutes, no complaining from us!
2nd. Taco Bell. No, T.B. didn't take that long at all, in contrast to those drunken Fourth Meal exchanges that seem to never end. But due to an uncomfortable issue, which you will shortly read about, we were very surprised to see our order completed so quickly. Now whether it was completed correctly is another story, indeed.
1st. MCDONALD'S. Can you really be that surprised? By the time we ordered our food. Nay, before we'd even completed our order, an employee was already waving our food at us through the window. That's fast! Made to order, hell no, but fast!
SERVICE
What did we say a moment ago, we forget? Oh yes, fast food is fast food. Strange how that phrase can a carry double meaning, eh? Shining service is not something most of us expect at fast food joints, and for good reason. We want fast, not a blood-pact with the weird dude at the window! But let us change your perspective, if we may. At 5:30am, it is perfectly normal to expect wonderful service from a fast food restaurant. Why? Because that's exactly what we received from FOUR out of FIVE restaurants. Brilliant, friendly service. That one other restaurant you ask...just take a look.
5th. Taco Bell. How to describe this, hmmm? Here's an example of two exchanges we had with an employee working the intercom:
INTERCOM: What drink would you like with your combo?
Us: Coffee, please. Ummm, actually can we make that an iced coffee?
INTERCOM: (Very deep sigh, not hiding her annoyance). Fine.
Us: Can we have some sugar and cream with that?
INTERCOM: I can't put cream in that. We can put sugar, but not cream. That'll be on the side. (probably another sigh)
A few seconds later...
INTERCOM: (inaudible whisper, she conceivably hates us by this point)
Us: Sorry, could you repeat that?
INTERCOM: (annoyed voice, basically yelling) IS YOUR ORDER CORRECT?!
No, we weren't being mean, rude patrons. This lady just hated us. That's why Taco Bell is in last place and everyone else is in first. Sorry, breakfast defectors.
1st. EVERYONE BUT TACO BELL.
What did we say a moment ago, we forget? Oh yes, fast food is fast food. Strange how that phrase can a carry double meaning, eh? Shining service is not something most of us expect at fast food joints, and for good reason. We want fast, not a blood-pact with the weird dude at the window! But let us change your perspective, if we may. At 5:30am, it is perfectly normal to expect wonderful service from a fast food restaurant. Why? Because that's exactly what we received from FOUR out of FIVE restaurants. Brilliant, friendly service. That one other restaurant you ask...just take a look.
5th. Taco Bell. How to describe this, hmmm? Here's an example of two exchanges we had with an employee working the intercom:
INTERCOM: What drink would you like with your combo?
Us: Coffee, please. Ummm, actually can we make that an iced coffee?
INTERCOM: (Very deep sigh, not hiding her annoyance). Fine.
Us: Can we have some sugar and cream with that?
INTERCOM: I can't put cream in that. We can put sugar, but not cream. That'll be on the side. (probably another sigh)
A few seconds later...
INTERCOM: (inaudible whisper, she conceivably hates us by this point)
Us: Sorry, could you repeat that?
INTERCOM: (annoyed voice, basically yelling) IS YOUR ORDER CORRECT?!
No, we weren't being mean, rude patrons. This lady just hated us. That's why Taco Bell is in last place and everyone else is in first. Sorry, breakfast defectors.
1st. EVERYONE BUT TACO BELL.
TRANSPORTABILITY
As explained earlier, transportability might be defined as "the ease by which a driving customer might consume a to-go meal." OR simpler, "how easy it is NOT to spill food on yourself while driving." An Englishman, a Chinese Man, and an Indian were proud of this tidbit. Think about it. How annoying is it to spill syrup on your lap?
5th. Hardees. We'll get to the food later, but for now let us say that this food is impossible to eat without getting your hands sticky. That can be a hazard when gripping a steering-wheel, believe us. And as much as you want to, don't lick your fingers after touching your steering wheel. GROSS!
4th. None. (See below)
3rd. Chik-fil-A and Whataburger. It's a tie! Both these restaurants excel at packaging a heart-attack in a bag, though they have not quite reached the echelons of more efficient restaurants. For instance...
2nd. Taco Bell. For Tex-Mex, Taco Bell sure knows how to make some un-messy food. That goes for their breakfast items, too, which are deftly packaged. Even the shape of their food is convenient for eating on the road.
1st. MCDONALD'S. We know this is getting redundant, McDonald's winning yet again. But it was actually a very close battle with Taco Bell here. What won it for McD's? For one, they're the only restaurant to provide a cardboard drinking tray for multiple drinks. Secondly, their coffee cups were the only to have a foldable lid for less spilling. Lastly, as Harvey pointed out from his own tenure under Ronald's watch, McDonald's requires all bags to be triple-folded, to ensure food does not fall out.
As explained earlier, transportability might be defined as "the ease by which a driving customer might consume a to-go meal." OR simpler, "how easy it is NOT to spill food on yourself while driving." An Englishman, a Chinese Man, and an Indian were proud of this tidbit. Think about it. How annoying is it to spill syrup on your lap?
5th. Hardees. We'll get to the food later, but for now let us say that this food is impossible to eat without getting your hands sticky. That can be a hazard when gripping a steering-wheel, believe us. And as much as you want to, don't lick your fingers after touching your steering wheel. GROSS!
4th. None. (See below)
3rd. Chik-fil-A and Whataburger. It's a tie! Both these restaurants excel at packaging a heart-attack in a bag, though they have not quite reached the echelons of more efficient restaurants. For instance...
2nd. Taco Bell. For Tex-Mex, Taco Bell sure knows how to make some un-messy food. That goes for their breakfast items, too, which are deftly packaged. Even the shape of their food is convenient for eating on the road.
1st. MCDONALD'S. We know this is getting redundant, McDonald's winning yet again. But it was actually a very close battle with Taco Bell here. What won it for McD's? For one, they're the only restaurant to provide a cardboard drinking tray for multiple drinks. Secondly, their coffee cups were the only to have a foldable lid for less spilling. Lastly, as Harvey pointed out from his own tenure under Ronald's watch, McDonald's requires all bags to be triple-folded, to ensure food does not fall out.
FOOD QUALITY
Okay, people. Here's the big one, the one for all the marbles...whatever that means. Which breakfast menu reigns supreme in taste? Our winner might just surprise you. It certainly surprised us.
6th. Taco Bell. (A.M. Crunchwrap--Country style, Cinnabon Delights, under $6)
I guess we're not Breakfast Defectors. Does that make us Breakfast Conformers?! In any case, the A.M. Crunchwrap wasn't bad, but it wasn't anything special either. If we were intoxicated, probably another story.
5th. Cinnabon Delights. Yes, we realize that this was a breakfast item from Taco Bell! But seeing as how Cinnabon is its own separate company, supplying its own sugary goodness, we thought it deserved it's own ranking.
4th. None. (See below)
3rd. Chik-fil-A and Whataburger. (Chik-fil-A: Chik-n-minis [x3], Spicy Chicken Biscuit) (Whataburger: Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit, Egg Sandwich, under $7)
Another tie between these fast-food giants. Food at these two restaurants will always be tasty; that goes for breakfast, too. Shockingly, the chicken at Whataburger competes in flavor with Chik-fil-A, though not as soft and chewable. However, Chik-fil-A's biscuits are crumbly and inconvenient for driving, whereas Whataburger's are firm, unlike your stomach after such a meal.
2nd. McDonald's. (Bacon McGriddle, Sausage Breakfast Burrito with hot sauce, approx. $7.50)
The breakfasts at McDonald's speak for themselves. For goodness sake, the McGriddle comes with a little "M" branded into the bread. So, cute! McD's eggs, their sausage, their bacon and hashbrowns. All of them are delicious, too delicious. Addictive, really.
1st. HARDEES. (Cinnamon 'n' Raisin Biscuit, Cinnamon Swirl French Toast Sandwich, approx. $8)
Yet the winner was Hardees! We know, right? The Cinnamon Swirl French Toast Sandwich was damp (not soaked) with this maple syrup that was unbelievably tasty. Mixed with the sausage and thin bits of egg, it was almost a sin to chew the stuff. We actually just inhaled it like cretins! Truly, folks, get yourselves over to Hardees and eat some breakfast!
Okay, people. Here's the big one, the one for all the marbles...whatever that means. Which breakfast menu reigns supreme in taste? Our winner might just surprise you. It certainly surprised us.
6th. Taco Bell. (A.M. Crunchwrap--Country style, Cinnabon Delights, under $6)
I guess we're not Breakfast Defectors. Does that make us Breakfast Conformers?! In any case, the A.M. Crunchwrap wasn't bad, but it wasn't anything special either. If we were intoxicated, probably another story.
5th. Cinnabon Delights. Yes, we realize that this was a breakfast item from Taco Bell! But seeing as how Cinnabon is its own separate company, supplying its own sugary goodness, we thought it deserved it's own ranking.
4th. None. (See below)
3rd. Chik-fil-A and Whataburger. (Chik-fil-A: Chik-n-minis [x3], Spicy Chicken Biscuit) (Whataburger: Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit, Egg Sandwich, under $7)
Another tie between these fast-food giants. Food at these two restaurants will always be tasty; that goes for breakfast, too. Shockingly, the chicken at Whataburger competes in flavor with Chik-fil-A, though not as soft and chewable. However, Chik-fil-A's biscuits are crumbly and inconvenient for driving, whereas Whataburger's are firm, unlike your stomach after such a meal.
2nd. McDonald's. (Bacon McGriddle, Sausage Breakfast Burrito with hot sauce, approx. $7.50)
The breakfasts at McDonald's speak for themselves. For goodness sake, the McGriddle comes with a little "M" branded into the bread. So, cute! McD's eggs, their sausage, their bacon and hashbrowns. All of them are delicious, too delicious. Addictive, really.
1st. HARDEES. (Cinnamon 'n' Raisin Biscuit, Cinnamon Swirl French Toast Sandwich, approx. $8)
Yet the winner was Hardees! We know, right? The Cinnamon Swirl French Toast Sandwich was damp (not soaked) with this maple syrup that was unbelievably tasty. Mixed with the sausage and thin bits of egg, it was almost a sin to chew the stuff. We actually just inhaled it like cretins! Truly, folks, get yourselves over to Hardees and eat some breakfast!
OVERALL SCORE
We can't just end this post without an overall winner! Heavens no. Therefore, we compiled our points, specifically adding up the ranks of each restaurant as it appeared by list. The restaurant that consistently scored highest (or lowest if thinking of rank) was never in doubt:
McDonald's!!
And for being so lovable, so tasty and fast, McDonald's is awarded with the following celebrity rating:
We can't just end this post without an overall winner! Heavens no. Therefore, we compiled our points, specifically adding up the ranks of each restaurant as it appeared by list. The restaurant that consistently scored highest (or lowest if thinking of rank) was never in doubt:
McDonald's!!
And for being so lovable, so tasty and fast, McDonald's is awarded with the following celebrity rating:
JOHN GOODMAN
He's a great actor, famous for his roles in Rosanne, The Big Lebowski, and O Brother, Where Art Thou. But he's also a big, chunky dude! We chose him specifically for his depiction in Family Guy, VIA the genius mind of Seth McFarlane. See here.
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